In many ways, my life played out like a novel. As a teenager, I had the privilege of accepting Jesus as my Savior. As a young man, I married the woman of my dreams. After completing my studies, I quickly found a job in my field and shortly thereafter landed my dream position right in my hometown. Our first child was born healthy. Three years later, our second child arrived. The joy was overwhelming.
Our local church was planning renovation work, and I was happy to volunteer my free time to support the project for the next few years. The construction team had outstanding helpers, and many great ideas were successfully implemented. And during this time of apparent success, one evening my wife said something along the lines of: “With the way things are going right now, I can’t imagine continuing to live together.”
At that moment, my emotions were on a rollercoaster – surprise, fear, and anger surged one after another. I ran through possible responses in my mind. “What is that supposed to mean? I’m working so hard, and then I hear something like this? She can’t say that to me. If she wants to leave, let her go! But do I want that? Do I want to give up my young family before I’ve even turned 30?”
My wife calmly and clearly explained what had led her to make that statement. Over time, we had drifted apart and were now merely functioning side by side. I was irritable, impatient with the children, and brief in my conversations with her. At first, she had subtly hinted at it, but I was too busy to understand. Instead of things improving, the problems worsened and became more obvious. I only had limited time for the family, but I was always available for my job or the church construction project. She wanted me to get help. But what would that look like?
Through friends, I had heard about a Christian counselor and career coach and decided to reach out. Since coaching was significantly more expensive, I opted for counseling. I couldn’t deny my wife’s points, but in my mind I thought: “I just need to optimize myself more, structure my schedule better, and work more efficiently. Then things in my personal life will settle down again.”
What started as a plan for three to four sessions turned into over two years of counseling (with some breaks). I was in the middle of a life crisis—a “burnout”—and I didn’t even realize it at first. My mental health rapidly deteriorated. Every task became an effort.
I reduced my volunteer commitments and was forced to take more time for recovery. Conversations at home and in the church became increasingly difficult. Social activities with friends turned into a challenge. I started breaking into a sweat reading children’s books aloud or answering my kids’ questions.
For years, I worked Monday to Friday and often spent the entire weekend in bed. I couldn’t go to church on Sundays, and physical work was out of the question. But where was God in all this, and what about my faith?
I had always been active in church life—choir, orchestra, recording and sound for services, and of course my efforts in the church renovations. When I had a task, I thrived in it and felt closer to God. Now, worn out and with no motivation or energy to do anything “good,” I felt distant from Him. I had made the quality of my relationship with Jesus Christ dependent on how much I was doing for Him. Now I was in a situation where I couldn’t do anything anymore. I could barely earn our daily bread. Reading the Bible or praying for long stretches was nearly impossible.
Through counseling, I was gradually able to adjust my expectations—of myself, of others, and of God. Jesus died for me, regardless of the number of good or bad things I did. He gave everything for me out of love. The message was clear and simple. But did it apply to me, when I was overwhelmed and sad nearly every day? Is it Christian to feel no joy or motivation?
These were questions I didn’t have answers to.
By now I understood intellectually that my desire for approval—from both God and people—had exhausted my body and mind so severely that they simply burned out. It was understandable that my body was reacting this way, and yet the situation felt nearly hopeless.
In February 2021, a day after my birthday celebration with family, I drove to a store alone to return a gift. After I was done, I sat in the car and didn’t want to go home. I knew my wife and kids were there. They would want to talk or play with me. And I… I couldn’t do it anymore.
I didn’t want to go home, so I stayed in the large parking lot and tried to distract myself with my phone. Hours later, I stepped out of the car and looked up at the now dark sky. Internally, I cried out to God: “Why am I so sad?” And into that darkness, I heard: “I love you!”
Jesus loves me? The one who can’t get anything right anymore? Who’s afraid to go home? Who has no strength left for his own family?
This is the very person to whom Jesus says: “I love you!”
Mental and physical weakness can have a powerful influence on us. But the statements of the Bible remain true regardless of our condition.
Whether your life is picture perfect or sorrow feels like it’s crushing you, Jesus shows through the Bible how much He loves you.
To you, too, He says: “I love YOU!”
Richard Kimmerle
Herford, Germany
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