In last month’s edition, we looked at what marriage is according to Scripture. We want to continue this topic by considering how Christians should choose a marriage partner.
Though marriage was designed by God in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2:24), and Scripture is filled with examples of people who met each other and eventually married, the Bible remains relatively quiet about how people are to find a marriage partner. This is understandable, since God’s Word transcends cultures and times. We are not given a one-size-fits-all outline of how to choose a spouse, but we are given principles throughout Scripture that we can apply to this topic.
To help lead our thoughts, we want to consider the two main types of long-term romantic relationships that people may choose to have prior to marriage: dating and courting. Sometimes these words are used interchangeably, but they are quite different. An online Christian source explains, “Courtship is a relationship between a man and a woman in which they seek to determine if it is God’s will for them to marry each other. Under the protection, guidance, and blessing of parents or mentors, the couple concentrates on developing a deep friendship that could lead to marriage, as they discern their readiness for marriage and God’s timing for their marriage.”
One of the central components of courting is the couple’s desire to discern God’s will for them. Knowing that marriage is a covenant made before God that should last the duration of one’s life (Matthew 19:6), couples should be careful not to enter such a covenant too hastily. It should be noted that even a courting relationship should only be started when both people feel prepared to get married. Dating is different; “men and women who choose to date often have no commitment to consider marrying the other person…Instead, couples usually date with the selfish goals of having fun and enjoying romantic attachments.” We see such careless and selfish behavior from Samson who pursued passion over godly discernment (Judges 16:1). The central goal of dating is to pursue one’s own desires or perceived needs, whereas courting attempts to answer the question, “How can I honor God and discern His direction regarding my life partner?”
Romantic attachment can naturally lead to desires being kindled that God designed to be satisfied in marriage (Song 8:4). “In a dating relationship, self-gratification is normally the basis of the relationship. Instead of focusing on God’s pleasure, the couple is often looking for personal pleasure. This oblivious self-centeredness can lead only to dissatisfaction, promoting an attitude of lust (taking what I want) rather than the Scriptural attitude of love (giving unselfishly to others).”
A couple in a courting relationship seeks to protect the hearts of both involved by seeking the “accountability of their parents or other mentors. As they establish guidelines for their relationship, they can more easily recognize that God also holds them responsible to honor one another. Receiving God’s grace and the support of others strengthens them to maintain their commitment to purity.” Without guidelines or accountability, “the couple can foolishly and tragically give away both emotional and physical affections that should have been reserved for a life partner.”
It should be noted that not every courting relationship ends in marriage. “If, during the courtship, one or both parties realize that marriage is not God’s will and they end the relationship, the courtship has not failed. On the contrary, the courtship was successful, because God gave the direction that was sought through it.” A successful courting relationship isn’t necessarily one that leads to marriage; it’s one where both individuals have protected each other’s heart and have grown in their knowledge of one another and their discernment of God’s will (Proverbs 3:5-7).
From this description, it is clear that courtship, rather than dating, is a safer and more biblical means of choosing a marriage partner.
To be continued
David Knelsen
Hamilton, ON
¹ “What Is Courtship? Understanding How Courtship Differs from Dating,” Institute in Basic Life Principles, accessed December 6, 2024,
https://iblp.org/how-courtship-different-dating/.
2-6 “What Is Courtship? Understanding How Courtship Differs from Dating.”
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